Rabbi Konigsburg's Blog

I’m not a very good liar. Which, in most circumstances, is something that I am proud of. However, sometimes I am honest to a fault. That is to say that there are some moments of personal interaction that require a little more tact and finesse where the truth needs to be twisted, stretched or omitted a little bit. These “white lies” are untruths that are told to spare the feelings of someone so as not to hurt their feelings. And if I am being honest (which I am, to a fault), I put my foot in my mouth more often than I’d like. Ever since a young age, it's been ingrained in me that one shouldn’t lie. But should that be the case in every situation? Moreover, what does Judaism say about speaking untruths to spare someone else’s feelings? Is it permitted to lie under such a circumstance?

The Sages of our tradition point to this week’s portion for their answer. In Parshat Vayera, Abraham welcomes three angels into his tent. After Abraham attends to their needs, they share with Abraham the news that his wife Sarah will conceive with a son. Hearing this, Sarah replies “Now that I am withered, am I to have enjoyment with Abraham, my husband, who is so old?” (Genesis 18:12). In other words, Sarah is long past the age of conception, and also doesn’t have confidence that the older Abraham will be able to do his part. Immediately after, God asks Abraham and says: “Why did Sarah laugh saying, ‘Shall I in truth bear a child old as I am?’” (Genesis 18:13). Jewish commentators point out that God twists the truth a little here. Whereas Sarah laughs because of Abraham’s old age, God reports that laughing having to do with her own old age. Or in other words, God tells a white lie. Highlighting this, the Rabbis learn that there are situations where it is appropriate to stretch or bend the truth a little bit, like in the case of always telling a bride that they are beautiful on their wedding day, or congratulating a person on a purchase even if you think it was a poor transaction (Ketubot 17a). 

While there is a counterargument to the school of thought that permits telling white lies, Jewish law rules in favor of the notion that there is a time and place for some untruths; particularly to spare someone’s feelings as long as there aren’t wider consequences. Learning from God’s behavior in the Parsha, we can reflect on the untruths that we tell and evaluate whether or not the reason animating the lie is one that meets the criteria. Afterall, it is easy to create a rule like “never tell a lie.” But our world is rarely as black-and-white. Rather, God's actions remind us that we must constantly evaluate our actions and their consequences on others. And under the right circumstances, even something like the importance of being truthful, gets mitigated by other values, like another person’s emotional well-being. 

Shabbat Shalom