Rabbi Breit's Blog

Some people are a joy to argue with. I know, that might seem like a stretch. Maybe you don’t know someone like that in person, but you’ve delighted in witty repartee on Gilmore Girls or in a Bronte novel. Or maybe you have a friend with different politics, or sports teams, or restaurant taste and the two of you have been cheeky bantering for years. Or maybe you come to Coffee and Commentary and love to argue about the parsha and leave feeling like you understand it more deeply. Or if none of these ring true you’ll just have to imagine the worst that an argument could go and then, somehow, imagine the opposite.

What makes a joyful argument? You can tell that you disagree, but the other person clearly respects you. They might even admit (out loud!) that there’s a fairly strong likelihood you’re right and they’re wrong. They want to understand how you think about things because it makes them smarter and because they want to know you. Maybe they don’t agree, because of their own priorities, but they are happy to say how it makes complete sense that you think that way. And, most importantly, they don’t try to convince you that your point is wrong because there is something that they see in you that’s deeply, disturbingly, wrong with you.

This is the flaw of so much disagreement that becomes hateful conflict. We don’t think the other person disagrees because they have a legitimate different perspective, information, or priorities. No! They must disagree because they are dumb, selfish, lazy, woke, deplorable, racist, etc. And we tell them so. And then we refuse to discuss the actual situation And then that doesn’t go very well. Take Korach for example.

Korach and all the Israelites are stuck in the desert. Moses has freed them from Egypt and they are en route to the Promised Land, but then they are told that almost all of them will not make it. Moses keeps telling them they are all holy to God, but I can’t imagine at this moment that they feel like it. Moses establishes his brother and his brother’s sons as high priests. And Korach, a leader with no special honors, has had it.

There is understandable frustration among all the leaders of Israel, of whom Korach is one. And Korach could start a reasonable debate with Moses asking, what does it mean that we are all holy but your brother is more so? What does this mean for me? Or even, you might imagine he could exclaim: this doesn’t work for me! And then maybe they could figure something out. But what Korach does is gather a crowd to face down Moses and say, “You have gone too far!” You want to be lord over us, you’re bossy, you’re too much, you’re terrible. Moses falls on his face. But then he gets up and says, “No, you have gone too far.” He will not trade insults. Let’s focus on the merits of the disagreement, and we’ll see who understands God’s plan more clearly.

As we read through Korach this week, may we have the wisdom and the fortitude not to be overcome by other people’s Korach arguments against us, lest we say to ourselves oh no we are bossy, too much, terrible, or a failure, and lose the ability to lead, to grow,  or to repair.

And may we notice the ways we argue like Korach against others, catch our tongue when we turn to insults over understanding or dump curiosity in favor of hurting the other person and bringing them down. That’s not an argument, that’s a power struggle. A power struggle might feel urgent, but it wont bring you joy or understanding. Shabbat shalom.