"Confronting Confrontation"

Vayishlach, 2004

Rabbi Joshua Heller
Congregation B’nai Torah
rabbi@bnaitorah.org

Parashat Vayishlach is full of confrontations. It opens with Jacob’s fearful preparation for his encounter with Esau, but before he can face Esau, he spends the whole night wrestling a mysterious assailant. In each of those situations, however, Jacob is able to turn animosity into affection, and turn hatred into blessing, though he uses quite different tactics in each case. There are plenty of popular books that talk about managing conflict, negotiating, getting to yes, and so on. What is Jacob’s secret, and can we apply it in our own lives, to the conflicts that we face?

Jacob’s encounter with Esau was long anticipated. Decades earlier, he had stolen Esau’s blessing, and fled their parents’ home with nothing more than his walking stick and the clothes on his back, knowing that Esau intended to kill him as soon as it was prudent. Now, he returns from Laban’s home with wives, children, servants and flocks beyond number, wealth sure to provoke Esau’s jealousy, and an easy target for Esau’s armed band. In his encounter with Esau, he follows a multi-tiered plan. He adopts a defensive military strategy, dividing his household into two camps, (32:8-9) and hoping that even if Esau destroys one, the other will survive. He addresses the spiritual dimension and prays for divine assistance (32:10-13), reminding God of the various promises and covenants between them.

The most important aspect of his strategy, however, was diplomacy, even to the point of appeasement. He sends several groups of messengers and gifts to Esau. With the first, his primary theme is humility and self-effacement. He admits to Esau that he now has accumulated wealth, but dismisses it; though he has maids and servants, he calls himself Esau’s servant. While Esau has ensconced himself in Seir, the land that God has promised to Esau’s descendants, Jacob has been a stranger in Laban’s house. When we confront an adversary, one approach that we use, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, is to minimize ourselves, to make ourselves seem less threatening.

With the later group that he sends, Jacob continues the approach of propitiation, but there is a subtle hidden message: he sends flocks of animals, male and females of various types: 200 sheep and 20 rams, 40 cows and 10 bulls, 30 nursing camels with their sons, but no adult males. The mystics ascribe celestial significance to each number, but there is a practical explanation as well. As an experienced herdsman, Jacob would know ideal ratio of male and female for each species. He still has the cleverness for which he is famous. Sending such carefully stocked herds sends the message to Esau that Jacob is still a master of the intellectual approach- that Esau should respect Jacob’s intelligence. Sometimes when we confront an adversary, we can use reason, and convince those who oppose us that our approach is the most sensible.

The next conflict that Jacob encounters is a totally unexpected one- a mysterious figure attacks him during the night, and they wrestle until dawn. Jacob proves to be the equal of his attacker, and is able to force a blessing. In the end, the struggle is at best, a draw; Jacob still limps away. In our society, few of us encounter a display of outright physical hostility on a regular basis, but it is still the way of the world at large. When we confront an adversary with force, we may feel the blessings of victory, but neither party emerges whole.

When Jacob comes to his final encounter with Esau, he has experienced three approaches to conflict and he is the bearer of a new name and a new blessing but he is still unsure how the encounter will go. He sends his maidservants first, then his favorite wives, and then comes to the front for the fateful reunion. Esav runs to him and falls upon his neck, an ambiguous move at best- indeed, some sages suggest that Esau’s intent was to bite- linshoch Jacob, but at the last moment, his mind was changed, and he decided linshok to kiss him. And indeed, they kiss, and weep openly at the reunion. Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai noted that despite all of the hatred between them, at that very moment, Esau’s mercy overcame him, and all of the preparations and struggles made by both sides fell away in the face of the emotional connection between the two.

Even if one looks back at the conflict between Jacob and the angel, one sees that it was not the physical struggle, but the personal encounter, that made the difference- the struggle does not end until each has had a chance to ask the other his name- to encounter, understand, and appreciate the essence of his opponent.

Ultimately in life, we have many choices as to how we face opposition. We can try to appease, we can be clever or appeal to reason, and we can engage in hostility, even physical struggle. In the end, though, it is the emotional connection that we make, or fail to make, that determines how we will be received, and whether we will be successful. In all of the conflicts that we face in life, may we have:

• the strength of character to hold our own,
• the wisdom to propose equitable solutions, and most importantly the emotional ability to enter into a real relationship
to those who oppose us.

Let us know them, connect with them, and ultimately, come to blessing.